Sometimes I fear that I'm breaking my own heart.
I feel like I've cornered myself, created my own prisoner of war because I can't be a pretender for more than a moment. I tried... & it failed me miserably. In years stolen that I won't ever get back...my juvenile heart betrayed itself but I refuse to be jaded, stained, or bitter.
Tristan + Isolde. To be moved so drastically by a film or a story that you weep as though you are at a great loss. & 7 years after watching... to not have a day pass without feeling this deep desire to meet it again. A tale of love, sacred yet forbidden, healing yet destructive, fulfilling yet frustrating, tyrannical yet benevolent. and to own the rarity of such love.... to burn it to unrecognizable ashes. For what? Fierce loyalty to duty & nobility...To a kingdom greater than your own personal legacy. Oh my god. All with noble hearts will understand.
Have I destroyed myself with a time releasing poison? What is the purpose of this fire that I've desperately tried to drown? I don't know much but I do know that I am destined to be an intricate part of something so much greater than I to the extent that the great love of my life could abandon me to a greater purpose. I am that starving to see a glimpse of a true warrior's heart that I would become the sacrificial lamb? I refuse to believe this is gone.
I am a lover. I am a fighter. The greatest lover is the greatest fighter.
I desire to be the epitome of woman... a warm fortress to all..the motherless.. but I want darkness to tremble when I enter a room. I want to live a life with daggers in my apron pockets... adorned with the femininity of a lioness. Shrewd as a serpent & innocent as a dove. Completely aware of the circumstances yet a lighthouse of purity & love. I have work to do.
Is there such nobility as that of Tristan that can quench this ever burning fire within me? Can we not see how a world lacking honor is crippled?
I realize I am all over the map... but I'm just writing. There is no method to this madness. Almost more than I long to be loved I long to be known... if I am loved without truly being known than I'm not loved with a complete love. To be known takes great pursuit, awareness, & intelligence.. to be loved is a benefit.
If this is the case than why does my heart love in the way she does? When I choose to love someone I can't tire, I won't grow weary. I love desperately, unconditionally, & won't blink to sacrifice everything I am to the plight of his heart. How can I mean this like I do? Is this an ancient love? Is there really a heart, soul, & mind capable of such understanding?
You are loved by me and I am "WOWed" by you! You are so so so deep!
ReplyDeleteXOXO!
I think the strive for that type of lost has been lost in our society. Men have become lazy in their pursuit for women, or even think they are the ones that should be perused! None of us should have to settle, but so often we do. If we find a guy that gives us even an ounce of the attention or happiness that we seek we jump at it just because it has become such a rarity. Esp our generation that makes pursuit so easy with social media and cell phones, true love seekers have almost become extinct I feel. Since when is a night at the bar considered a date? Since when has it become that we should be considered lucky for a guy to even call or text us? Is this really what relationships have come to? The dating world? No wonder I can't seem to find anyone to quench my thirst for a GREAT love. This is our problem Audra, We want great and refuse to settle for good enough. I too hope we can find someone to know us and love us in the way of "ancient love"
ReplyDelete- Laura
I was browsing through some of the Lawrence-area and came across your post here. Incredibly raw and incredibly honest. You have a gift with words.
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