Sometimes I fear that I'm breaking my own heart.
I feel like I've cornered myself, created my own prisoner of war because I can't be a pretender for more than a moment. I tried... & it failed me miserably. In years stolen that I won't ever get back...my juvenile heart betrayed itself but I refuse to be jaded, stained, or bitter.
Tristan + Isolde. To be moved so drastically by a film or a story that you weep as though you are at a great loss. & 7 years after watching... to not have a day pass without feeling this deep desire to meet it again. A tale of love, sacred yet forbidden, healing yet destructive, fulfilling yet frustrating, tyrannical yet benevolent. and to own the rarity of such love.... to burn it to unrecognizable ashes. For what? Fierce loyalty to duty & nobility...To a kingdom greater than your own personal legacy. Oh my god. All with noble hearts will understand.
Have I destroyed myself with a time releasing poison? What is the purpose of this fire that I've desperately tried to drown? I don't know much but I do know that I am destined to be an intricate part of something so much greater than I to the extent that the great love of my life could abandon me to a greater purpose. I am that starving to see a glimpse of a true warrior's heart that I would become the sacrificial lamb? I refuse to believe this is gone.
I am a lover. I am a fighter. The greatest lover is the greatest fighter.
I desire to be the epitome of woman... a warm fortress to all..the motherless.. but I want darkness to tremble when I enter a room. I want to live a life with daggers in my apron pockets... adorned with the femininity of a lioness. Shrewd as a serpent & innocent as a dove. Completely aware of the circumstances yet a lighthouse of purity & love. I have work to do.
Is there such nobility as that of Tristan that can quench this ever burning fire within me? Can we not see how a world lacking honor is crippled?
I realize I am all over the map... but I'm just writing. There is no method to this madness. Almost more than I long to be loved I long to be known... if I am loved without truly being known than I'm not loved with a complete love. To be known takes great pursuit, awareness, & intelligence.. to be loved is a benefit.
If this is the case than why does my heart love in the way she does? When I choose to love someone I can't tire, I won't grow weary. I love desperately, unconditionally, & won't blink to sacrifice everything I am to the plight of his heart. How can I mean this like I do? Is this an ancient love? Is there really a heart, soul, & mind capable of such understanding?
