I have no idea where this is going to go but as exhausted as I feel the passions, confusions, heart aches, & excitements aren't ready to go to sleep tonight.
Tenderness. I had an argument with myself today on what I've been experiencing in this past little chapter of my life. I'm not sensitive, but I've always been incredibly tender. I tear up at the sight of road kill, I loathe walking downtown in fear that I will have to face people who are without, as a child I would pray for Lucifer to be saved from Hell & I reluctantly wince through every minute of the evening news. Timeless love stories abandon my insides wonderstruck.
But, I've never really felt the connection to sensitivity. This is different to me. For whatever reason I've been successful at creating a bullet proof shield around myself. I've never been one to let people get to me, I've closed my eyes to harsh words, rarely have I thought twice at judgmental looks & honestly I've held much pride in my resilience. I have buffed my thick skin like armor. This is how I've been for as long as I can remember. I only let things penetrate so deep. I am now beginning to wonder if this was the certain, & unstoppable spirit of youth within me. It is no mystery my desires, truths, goals... are in an evolution but so is my ability to protect myself. Is this self doubt showing her face? Did my guard finally grow weary, evaporate in the season I need it the most? Could this be me trying to justify some abrasive treatment I can't seem to understand? Or is this a sign of growth? I'm fluent in nursing wounds as fast as I can- pain is my greatest phobia. I crave the character of a woman draped with quality, compassion, & steadfast strength. If there is virtue to be gained from the thinning of my skin, for this moment I have no choice but to accept it. Vulnerability isn't comfortable. The subtle betrayals have me wondering what’s wrong with me but ….if we didn't feel the sting would the glory of it's absence taste as sweet?
This sounds so serious! My light hearted, carefree spirit hasn't been hacked. No worries. Oh goodness, I love growing young with each other. There will never be a day when I lack an adventure- even if it involves nothing but a simple evening at home. But, I'd rather be at war than grow complacent. Complacency will accomplish nothing but rob the people I long to help & in turn that will make for a fruitless life. Constant comfort at this point just isn't worth the price. I can't forget that these processes are purposed. The disposal of my selfish shield must be replaced with a much larger protector... fit to rescue the one/ones I love when a time of rest is needed. I hope that when life leads me into moments stricken with hatred, grief, violence, suffering... whether I am treading foreign soil alone or surrounded by thousands... that I will always carry the fragrance of home.
With a pay off life that, break the girl I am until there is nothing left. My sleepless nights & daydream mornings won't let me forget the woman being built.
P.S. Is goodness being sacrificed for glory’s sake? I'll think about that tomorrow.
